This excerpt is from my book, Surviving the Storm: Finding Your Way Through the Wreckage of Cancer.

The tyranny of positive thinking runs rampant in the cancer community.  Although there is no conclusive evidence of stress, depression or  a specific personality type causing cancer, these dangerous judgments continue to exist and cause a great deal of personal pain to those struggling with cancer.   Self-blame and the idea that you somehow caused your cancer by not thinking the right way only clouds the truth  that you did not choose this illness.  Perhaps in that way it is an antidote to helplessness or a modicum of certainty in an uncertain world.  However, there are better ways to soothe the confusion of not knowing, of not having control, than dwelling on  the unsolicited opinions of  others, or  even worse,  drenching yourself in blame.

“Please don’t preach at me—I feel bad enough already.”  –Shirley Corder, Strength Renewed: Meditations for Your Journey through Breast Cancer

Cancer seems to be a robust focus of the positive thinking brigade.  We don’t seem to pressure people who have other equally life threatening diseases  to be positive . We don’t tell them that their disease is a gift.  Why is it that we insist on white washing cancer into some awesome  life changing window of opportunity?

“ The failure to think positively can weigh on a cancer patient like a second disease.”  –Barbara Ehrenreich,  Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America

On the other side of the positive thinking coin is the tyranny of addressing cancer by being smart, sassy, and edgy. This import from the glib “get over it, don’t wallow” school of thought creates guilt and shame for having lingering feelings, particularly in survivorship. The message is that something is pathologically wrong with you if you still feel worried, scared, sad and the worst of all …  depressed.  You’re supposed to be sexy and  cool. Get a tattoo and go sky diving. The point seems to be that you need to impress others with your courage and moxie. It’s cool to act like it’s all just  a big joke …

“If I keep grinning maybe my inoperable colon cancer won’t hurt so much.” Tony Millionaire, Maakies

A cancer survivor recently said to me, “I thought I could go under it, I thought I could go around it and then I realized that I had to go through it, and here I am.”  The balance of dark and light and the endeavor  not only to stay alive but to make something out of a horrible experience is an age old tale of loss and redemption. Those who accept the challenge of the hero’s journey will dive deep in stormy water, gasping for air, until they wash up on some new land that they didn’t expect to arrive in.  This is a deeply personal commitment not a day trip to the beach.

The sooner we can acknowledge the underbelly of the cancer experience, the sooner we can balance the horror and the gift.  Bitterness and overwhelming anxiety are merely plugged up emotions that haven’t been allowed a scream or a howling cry. Yell, shout, cry, shiver … shake until you can’t shake anymore.  Then rest … and move on.  Understand that all those stupid comments came from not knowing what to say.  Realize that the remark which annoyed me the most, “you’ll be fine”, was only the well meaning and frightened wish of those around me that, “I would be fine.”