When Light Returns … Winter Solstice 2014

“And don’t think the garden

looses its ecstasy in winter.

It’s quiet, but the roots

are down there riotous.” –Rumi

The Winter Solstice arrives on December 21st at 23:03 UTC.

In the midst of winter’s darkness, the light returns. The longest night of the year heralds the return of the sun.  And so it has always been that even when we cannot see it or feel it, there is a radiance around us that offers hope and new beginnings. The Solstice is a time for reflection, a time to turn inward, to rest, to gather strength for the long winter months to come. Our roots are deep in the soil of our lives, holding us and providing the genesis for the growth that will come in spring.

Light a candle for the Solstice fire … it symbolizes the return of the light.  Put a sprig of holly nearby to symbolize vitality. Hang some mistletoe to bring fertility into the intentions of your life. Place some greens around your space to signify that which is evergreen … that which is everlasting … symbolizing all that is constant … reminding us of what we can hold onto when all seems lost and in darkness.

I offer this simple ritual to all of us whose lives are touched by cancer. May we find solace in the depth and beauty of the roots within ourselves that are riotous with brightness and promise.  May rays of light illuminate your path through the darkness of the long night.

“You Shouldn’t Eat That! Don’t Drink That!”

“[If you hear a] story about how eating sausage leads to anal cancer, you will be skeptical, because it has never happened to anyone you know, and sausage, after all, is delicious.”
― David McRaney, You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You’re Deluding Yourself

There are entire books and blogs devoted to what to say and what not to say when someone has cancer. Apparently no one is reading them because the reports of well meaning and awkward  remarks just keep on coming.

“I don’t think you’re dying,” I said. “I think you’ve just got a touch of cancer.”   –John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Several times I had conversations starting with: “Oh, it’s just breast cancer … at least it’s not in your liver … it could be worse, you have the good cancer.” Once again I felt a tad guilty that I was not making the most of my cancer gift. It was extremely tempting to snap back with, “Wow, I hadn’t thought of that, I sure feel better now.”  I never knew until I had breast cancer that it was the good one to get.

Before you know it, everyone has a story about cancer.

It’s not unusual to be told “I know exactly how you feel.”  This is nearly always followed by numerous stories of  friends, family members, cousin-of -the –person- at -the market, daughter- of-my- mechanic’s- roommate’s- sister who supposedly have the same cancer you do and are still around after 15 years. Occasionally a more dour tale is told of my -brother’s- boss’s- wife’s -best friend who died a terrible death.  My all time favorite is: “I understand what you’re going through, my dog had cancer.”

“ You don’t look sick – you look so much better than I thought you would.”

“ I can relate – I’m having a horrible time getting rid of this flu.”

“You’re so lucky, you’ll never have another period.” This said to a young woman who would never be able to conceive a child after a complete hysterectomy.

“I know just how you feel.”  This statement preceding the person breaking into an hysterical crying jag while you stand by wondering if you should comfort them or just run in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

“You’ll be fine.”  A classic remark that infuriated me every time I heard it. How the hell did anyone know that?  In retrospect, it was probably related to my diagnosis of breast cancer, aka “the good cancer.”

And now that the holiday season is in full and fattening force we are faced with the constant temptation of sugar, fat, and alcohol. Is it important to eat a healthy diet and not drink too much?  This is an obvious fact. However, there is still little conclusive evidence that links diet to the cause of cancer making us no different than anyone else who needs to pay attention to what we put in our mouths and pour down our throats.  Mostly it’s just annoying when someone tells you what you should do … I don’t really like that  … who does?

So, I hope you enjoy this holiday season on your own terms as an adult.  We can make choices, we’re not children, we’re cancer survivors!

Excerpt from my book,  Surviving the Storm: Helping Cancer Survivors Tell Their Stories

How to Support Yourself When You Return to Work After Treatment

I was fortunate to be able to continue with my psychotherapy practice when I was in treatment for cancer.  I was also supervising at a university counseling center and I did miss a number of the supervisor’s meetings during that time.  I’ll always remember when I walked into the first meeting without hair, eyebrows and eyelashes.  I was very thin and pale. As I sat down in the group I felt so vulnerable I could hardly breathe.  It was overwhelming.  Of course, I was in a room with people who were caring and concerned about me but even that felt difficult.

It’s difficult to return to work, to school, to your “normal” life after cancer.   Below is a short piece with some helpful advice on your re-entry.

Easing Return-to-Work Angst

Returning to work after a cancer experience can ease income worries but can also expose other emotional issues.

BY CHARLOTTE HUFF

Frequently, people with health issues, such as cancer, will fret about the sorts of questions that might be asked by well-meaning colleagues, says Stephanie Smith, a licensed clinical psychologist who practices near Denver. “How much do I want to reveal to folks? How much do I want to keep private? How many times can I answer the same questions? It becomes a huge stressor.”
Smith frequently advises her patients to develop a short script before that first day—one that’s courteous but doesn’t invite further questioning.

One such line: “Thank you so much for asking. I’m glad to be back to work.” Another possibility: “All of the support I’ve gotten has meant so much to me. I’m glad to be here.”

With that script in a mental pocket, the employee hopefully doesn’t have to worry so much about a co-worker initiating an awkward conversation at the bathroom sink or in the hallway. It may even be possible to turn such a conversation into a more pleasant discussion, taking the focus off cancer and onto work performance or common goals.

“They find it so exhausting to kind of dredge up all of this emotional stuff every time someone asks,” Smith says. “It’s almost like an armor, to give you a feeling of control.” -

The Many Ways of Being Thankful

Giving Thanks
My name is _______________________________________________________
The date is _______________________________________________________
These are the people who are important in my life:
1. ________________________ because ___________________________
____________________________________________________________
2. ________________________ because ___________________________
____________________________________________________________
3. ________________________ because ___________________________
____________________________________________________________
This year I am most thankful for _______________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
When I think of Thanksgiving, I think about ______________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
My best Thanksgiving memory is All the we behold is full of blessings.  William Wordsworth

It’s the time of year when our thoughts turn to gratitude.  Some of us will have a fairly easy time of this … the year has been good, we are healthy and have good friends and family to support us.  For others this may be a challenging time. It may not have been a very healthy year  and it’s hard to  feel thankful when you feel lousy and frightened.  Your support system may not be strong, you feel lonely.  It’s a challenging time for some …

How do we go within and find what we are thankful for in our lives regardless of what is happening in our outer realities? These are often the events or situations that are beyond our control.  I think that these are the times we need to dig deep to unearth feelings of hope when we are dark in despair. I’m not talking about pretending to feel what you don’t really feel or covering up your darker feelings with a layer of marshmallow frosting.  In fact, I believe that real hope can be excavated in the ruins of depression and hopelessness.  It’s not necessarily easy or sweet … but light can be discovered in darkness

Desmond Tutu said, ” Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”  To help you with this challenge, I offer the following template.  I welcome you to contact me and let me know what you came up with in your exploration  at ckrautermft@sbcglobal.net

Giving Thanks
My name is _______________________________________________________
The date is _______________________________________________________
These are the people who are important in my life:
1. ________________________ because ___________________________
____________________________________________________________
2. ________________________ because ___________________________
___________________________________________________________
3. ________________________ because ___________________________
____________________________________________________________
This year I am most thankful for _______________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
When I think of Thanksgiving, I think about ______________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
My best Thanksgiving memory is _____________________________

Not Just Statistics: The Emotional Recovery from Cancer

Recently I wrote about the loneliness that can happen in cancer survivorship. More people looked at that topic than any other I have ever posted.  This confirms my belief that there is a great need for people who have survived cancer to tell their stories and to be offered services and support throughout the rest of their lives.

The following is an excerpt from my book, Surviving the Storm: Helping Cancer Survivors Tell Their Stories

I believe that the treatment of the emotional trauma of cancer is as important as the treatment of the physical disease. Psychosocial support and psychotherapy are the pillars of healing for the survivors of treatment for life-threatening illness, as well as for the growing population of people who live with cancer. The capacity to look within and beyond cancer and the development of a strong self-advocacy are both key to healing and moving on with your life. When untreated, the emotional wounds of cancer continue to cause suffering that you do not need to endure. It is the medicine of the soul integrated with the medicine for the body that creates healing.

There is a great need for people who have been diagnosed with cancer to tell their stories—to share the real story of the emotional storm that is cancer, as well as the ravages of its treatments; to tell the tale of the cancer survivor who is moving from patient to person. You may not “feel like your old self,” for it is not possible to remain who you were after the experience of facing life-threatening illness and the trauma of the treatment for that illness. The first year after the completion of treatment is a key time to explore and discover who you are after having faced the challenges of a cancer diagnosis. This is the time to create a care plan and begin the necessary process of self-advocacy for your survivorship care.

They say that cancer changes you…it does. They call me a survivor now . . . I am part of the club. My experience has made me a better person. I can’t tell you what exactly yet because I am still going through it. I’m sure I’ll know how to articulate it soon.”

Pam L., cancer survivor

While it is confusing and frightening, your experience of finishing treatment for cancer can become a powerful opportunity to release trauma and move into a new stage of life. There are some survivors who continue with some form of treatment as they learn to live with the reality of managing cancer in their lives. The shadow of illness lingers. Some of the side effects of treatment are not visible and can be very consequential—for example, ongoing pain from radiation, heart problems due to chemotherapy, lymphedema, and scar tissue issues resulting from surgeries. “Chemo brain” is real and bothersome for people as they struggle with cognitive issues. I deal with sensory peripheral neuropathy, which was caused by chemotherapy and is not apparent until a shooting pain makes me wince or my balance goes berzerk and I walk like I’m drunk. Though no longer always a death sentence, cancer can become a chronic illness. The growing population of survivors is misunderstood and underserved, particularly in regard to their emotional and psychological needs. There is value in addressing these needs and creating a plan that is not merely a medical record but includes the heart and soul of cancer survivorship.

The Loneliness of Survivorship

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.

Woody Allen

I think Woody Allen speaks to the essential dilemma of being human and being alive. Things can be really difficult, we can feel as though it’s not worth it to keep plugging on.  And then again, the whole crazy mess seems magnificent and we’re so glad we’re “still here.”

Those of us who are fortunate to be deep into our survivorship, still around years after we have stumbled out of the treatment rooms, can sometimes feel lonely. I notice this when survivors feel guilty talking about their fears, the sorrows and frustrations that may continue to appear … and reappear .. even after a great deal of time has passed since dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Hidden disabilities can be emotional as well as physical but we sometimes feel uncomfortable or embarrassed to talk about our feelings when others are not doing well. We may detect impatience when we bring our concerns to health care providers who are busy with newly diagnosed patients. Often our families and friends and, indeed, all of those around us, have moved on and forget to ask how we are doing.  That’s just life continuing …

I think that resources for long term survivors are vital. We can be unrecognized as a group that is, thankfully, growing larger.  Forming groups of survivors who are past the infamous 5 year mark could be a way to provide the space to open up discussion and allow for sharing of the long term questions,struggles and joys we face in our post treatment years. Giving people a safe space to tell the changing stories of their lives may be an avenue of connection.  Letting others know that we appreciate when we are asked, “how are you?” is another way to be in contact with one another … a way to lesson loneliness.

I encourage all of us to open up and speak of our experiences … it’s a way to be in touch, both within ourselves and with others. Our stories matter …

What We Cannot Know: Finishing Treatment for Breast Cancer

“One day, right after my mastectomy, I went for a walk in Central Park, and there was this mob of people blocking the road. I thought, ‘Oh, great, now I’m stuck!’ but then I realized that it was a breast cancer walk.”  Hoda Kotb

Seven years ago today I finished treatment for breast cancer. It seems like a moment and an eternity ago. Walking away from the treatment rooms was scary, vulnerable and so very full of uncertainty. Today the memories are still present, and can be quite vivid, but my life has gone on. I not only saw my son graduate from high school but got to celebrate his 21st birthday. My husband and I got to see Paris together. I have walked 60 miles for breast cancer and swum 1 mile (4 times) for women with cancer. I not only joined “the walk” but jumped into the water.

I am deeply grateful that I have continued with NED (no evidence of disease) and am no longer as vigilant or nervous when I cough or notice a rash that truly is an allergic reaction. My breast MRI is next week, I am not thinking about it all that much and I don’t  really think anything will be discovered. Time and distance does make a difference. I hope that this can encourage those of you who are still struggling and suffering with the pain and fear of dealing with breast cancer.  For those of us who are fortunate to leave this behind … it does get better.

I don’t know what is ahead, I cannot plan it all out (although I certainly would enjoy that level of control!) and, like most of us, some days are great and others … well, not so much. That’s just how it goes. I won’t pretend that I live in a constant state of grace and gratitude. I get annoyed at ignorance and freak out when I look at the grocery receipt. I get sick of eating right and want to drink more wine. But today I am reminded of how precious it is to have the chance to experience another day, to be able to get up from my chair and walk across the room, to look into the faces of those I love. I don’t take being alive for granted …

Not matter what happens, I still am blessed to be here today and to live my life fully.  It’s not a given … it’s a privilege.

6 Ways to Feel Encouraged

jodi picoult quote

Sometimes we all need something to hold onto during those tough times …

1. Notice what is beautiful around you – the fall leaves, the excited face of a child, the colors of a sunrise

2. Talk to someone who can be with you no matter what you are feeling

3. Watch something funny on television or online. Thank goodness for those who make us laugh

4. Move – whether it be running, walking, stretching in your chair or bed

5. Read something that inspires you

6. Remember to breathe and know that everything is always changing

Bringing Color to Cancer

Several years ago I was part of a clinical trail at a renowned cancer center. The clinical trails were located on a top floor, far away from the colorful lobby and the lively movement of people.No plants, no flowers, no photos or art work.  I sat in a waiting room looking at  gray walls, all the chairs were backed up against these walls, no tables, no magazines, no water. When I walked down the hall to this room I could see into the colorless hospital rooms where people, in their beds, were usually wired up, tubed up, flat on their backs. Occasionally there would be a visitor … in one of the rooms was a teenage girl whose mother was always there …

I saw a lovely nurse every day for several weeks and when I asked her where we were, she replied, “This is the clinical trail floor for people who have run out of options.”  Even though what I was there for, chemotherapy induced peripheral neuropathy, wasn’t cured … I still had the option to walk out of that depressing unit and back out into the  the fresh air.  People on this floor couldn’t even open a window.

I’ve been in various hospitals, treatment rooms and clinics where people go for cancer treatment. Let’s face it, none of us really wants to go there but since some of us have to, why not brighten it up a bit …

Please enjoy this wonderful video

http://www.today.com/news/watch-hoda-kotb-sara-bareilles-cyndi-lauper-fight-pediatric-cancer-2D80172642

Breast Cancer Awareness – We’re All In This Together

“At such moments, you realize that you and the other are, in fact, one.
It’s a big realization. Survival is the second law of life. The first
is that we are all one.” –Joseph Campbell

On October 31 I will mark seven years since I finished treatment for Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  During these years I have become involved in the cancer community, not only in my area, but in other parts of the world due to the internet communities that now join us together.  I am honored to know many women who have struggled with breast cancer as well as to have heard stories from their partners, their families and friends.

While everyone has a unique story, we are all joined together with a common endeavor … cancer.  This October some will wear pink, some will hate pink, some will think it’s all a big commercial show, and some will walk, run, or swim proudly.  For another group, it’s another month when they will deal with living with cancer every day.  Others will face the stunning reality that they may not see another October.  Our thoughts, feelings and needs are different …

My hope is that we can support one another in whatever place we are, however our beliefs or ideas may differ, and join both actual and virtual hands in unity in support of cancer research and funding so that one day October will only symbolize Halloween.

Be well.